Less judgment, more curiosity will serve you well
Work and life had lost meaning. I was on auto pilot. I struggled to make sense of myself and my purpose. I was in my early 40s and was stuck in my job and career. My frustrations at work infected my personal life. It was the perfect recipe for me to be critical of myself. To beat myself up for not doing and being better.
“What are you doing with your life Andrew???? How could you F this whole life thing up so badly!?!?”
Those were the thoughts I wasn’t yet thinking, but they were starting to creep into my head.
What did I do?
I got curious. I started asking myself questions about meaning, purpose and passion. Where did I find it currently in my life and where might I find it in new activities? I got curious about why I was feeling lost. I realized that I was lacking connection and I was completely inwardly focused. I was making life all about me.
And so, I acted. I signed up to teach third grade Religious Education. And then I started volunteering at a senior citizens center. I made life less about me and more about connection and service. And I found meaning, purpose and passion that led my life in a different and more rewarding direction.
Being curious instead of judgmental led me to ask and address important questions that guided me down an entirely different path.
What are your pain points?
Where is friction showing up for you?
What is causing you anxiety, frustration or regret?
Work – Are your job and career death by a thousand cuts?
Health and Fitness – Does your body run like a ten-year-old car you never serviced, cleaned, or cared for, and now it’s payback time?
Marriage – Has your marriage transformed into something you do not recognize or want?
Relationships – Have close friendships that used to feed your soul become distant relationships that now bring regret?
And more importantly, how are you processing these thoughts and feelings?
Are you letting them fester? Are they slowly growing in size and pain, like an old injury that never fully healed and constantly rears its head?
Why do we choose to live with those injuries? Why do we stay at the job that dims the light of our soul a little bit more every day? Why do we accept that important relationships have lapsed, or that our spirituality practice is dormant, or that our wine glass gets way more use than our running shoes? Two reasons:
It is easier to do nothing – easier to just live with it. Right?
it is simply easier to judge ourselves, others and our circumstances as unfair, to place blame, and to determine life is against us – that we were dealt a shitty hand.
When we combine doing nothing AND judging ourselves, others and our circumstances, we have given ourselves the rationale and approval to stay pat in a life that does not serve us or fulfill us.
In which areas of your life that lack satisfaction, meaning and fulfillment are you choosing to do nothing?
And in these areas, which judgments are you making about yourself, others, or your circumstance?
And most of all, what is it costing you to do nothing?
What is it costing you to cast blame rather than act? To beat yourself further into victimhood and judge others because they are at fault for your situation, thus further distancing yourself from healthier relationships that serve you, blaming life for the situation you find yourself in, and moving farther away from empowerment and action?
Not acting on a situation that is not serving you is akin to choosing to keep your hand on a hot stove. You continue to get burned.
I invite you to try a different approach.
Commit to take back your power and your life
Recognize the high cost of inaction and judgment and see how you give away your power and deplete your energy.
Acknowledge and accept that you and you alone are responsible for bringing about the change you want for yourself.
Replace judgment with curiosity
What feelings are you having about your pain points? What is missing? What would make the situation better? What can you learn about your circumstances, your thoughts and your feelings that can serve you?
Define your values
What is most important to you?
Get a coach to support you and provide accountability
Coaches help you see and address blind spots, clarify what is most important, define actionable steps to bring about meaningful life changes, and provide accountability to foster those changes.
As a core energy coach who helps midlife executives experiencing burnout to overcome stress, replenish their energy and win at work and life, I can help you achieve the change you seek. Let us take your hand off that stove and move to clear-eyed action. It starts with a conversation.